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Soft Sex

I wanted to share my experience with erectile dysfunction from the female side. We were struggling a lot during sex where I'd be trying to find a position that was comfortable and he would lose his erection. Partly because he would start to worry about whether I was having fun or in pain and partly because of the timing. (If there were other issues I will let him share in his own post) When the erection was lost it became even more difficult to find good positions because it was difficult to "go in". When he would get soft it would double up a little as he pushed in and it was like he was thicker and more painful.

The pressure on both of us was intense. I was trying to stay relaxed and calm, breathing well and finding good positions for me while keeping up the sexual activity to keep him erect. He was trying to be kind and caring and not hurt me but keep his mind on being sexual. Not a good combination for either of us.

The Viagra pills allowed us to take part of the pressure away as he could maintain the erection and allow me the flexibility to work on positions and alternatives. There was an immediate change the first time we tried it. We ended up gaining confidence after just a few encounters as we found things that worked. With him being more erect we were able to do more and try more which built more confidence and fun into our sexual relationship. Now we rarely use the pills but it was a definite good tool that helped us bring Sex Back in our Marriage.

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I Have a Headache.

The common joke among women about sex. We live in a society where we are expected to do and be everything. I don't know about you but I am tired at the end of the day and yet don't always feel like I accomplished anything. It is stressful to drive on the freeways and take care of family needs and cook and clean and work a job and still have a to do list the next day. In the midst of all of this I am supposed to find time to be intimate and feel sexual. All I want to do is nothing.

I am learning that the world around me (and the people in it) will take as much of me as they can get. It is up to me what I allow. Everyone has heard the story of the water pitcher and how it pours out into all the glasses around it but cannot continue to pour out if it doesn't get filled up. Filling up is a choice we all have to make. Carving out time in our schedules and saying no to some things is mandatory with all the demands around us.

I want to suggest to you that sex should be viewed not as one of the demands but as one of the things that fills us up. The time my husband and I take to be alone, forget the world, forget the schedules and focus on each other is healing. The pleasure we get from one another is satisfying and relaxing moments we steal are precious. I used to view sex as a demand on my todo list. Something I didn't really want to do but was expected to fulfill as part of my wife duties. Now I view it as something that helps me, fills me up, changes my perspective. I used to hate going away on weekends with my husband. It was so much change, so much work, spending money or whatever. Now I love to plan our getaways knowing I can relax, enjoy my husband, fill up on my needs and not think about work or home stuff.

Consider what you need to say no to and carve out time for yourself and your husband. Remember that you are a better mother, friend, employee, etc when you are getting your needs met. Change your thinking about sex being a todo item and make it a necessity for filling up your intimacy and pleasure needs.

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Help - it hurts.

What do you do when sex is painful? I looked everywhere and did everything I could think of and felt alone and stupid and broken.

I read books that said they answered the tough questions and didn't find my answers. I went to the doctor and gynecologist and had exams. Everyone said I was healthy and fine. One doctor one time mentioned I had a little too much yeast and told me to get the Monostat yeast infection treatment which I did. I tried three different doctors with this issue and gave up. I went to therapy and had several good things happen which I will share but the physical challenge of pain during intercourse was not alleviated.

It is hard to describe how horrible it is to live in a society where sex is romantic and easy. In the movies they kiss a little and then are going at it. I would kiss my husband and go cold with the thought of the pain and discomfort coming next. Friends would talk about how they went at it like rabbits when they first met. I would smile and hide my embarrassment that from my honeymoon on I hated sex.

Yet here I am today having pain-free sex that I enjoy and if you are like I was - Don't give up!
My solution happened in three ways; mental, emotional, physical. I started therapy and doing some reading on my own and found out that I had a bad view of sex. I had been the victim of date rape as a teen and had developed very negative views of men and sex. I began to change my thinking to a healthier perspective and began to understand my husbands desires and needs as healthy and normal. I also began to see myself as God's creation meant for sex and intimacy with my husband. This was a mental change that helped prepare me for the emotional.

I began to change the way I saw and communicated with my husband. Instead of him being the enemy that wants the dreaded sex. I changed my attitude and perspective on how safe I was with him, how I loved and wanted to be with him, etc. I tried to share my true feelings instead of hiding myself behind silence or a facade. When he didn't reject me and my feelings I began to trust him and grow in intimacy with him. (we had setbacks on both sides - it wasn't all pretty) I began to relax more, communicate more and be more open to sex but I still had problems with a burning sensation and pain during intercourse.

I was doing research one day and found that I had the symptoms of a person with an overgrowth of yeast. Not just a yeast infection that many women get once in a while but an overall problem with overgrowth. Some people (men and women) get this from an imbalance of bacteria in the body. A common reason is antibiotics which kill the good bacteria or intestinal flora with the bad and create an imbalance. Based on the symptoms, I believe that I have overproduced yeast since I was a child and have had this problem without understanding it. I started taking the good bacteria or intestinal flora not knowing how it would relate to my painful sex symptoms but a few months later I had easy, pain free sex. No burning, no pain - just fun. I found out that the yeast is an irritant and even the lotions we used caused the burning sensations. This was all gone.

The journey was long and many avenues were used to find help but in the end we have a stronger, better marriage and a good sexual relationship. These may not be the same solutions for your issues, but the point is to keep looking, keep trying and lean on us when you need encouragement.