Soft Sex

I wanted to share my experience with erectile dysfunction from the female side. We were struggling a lot during sex where I'd be trying to find a position that was comfortable and he would lose his erection. Partly because he would start to worry about whether I was having fun or in pain and partly because of the timing. (If there were other issues I will let him share in his own post) When the erection was lost it became even more difficult to find good positions because it was difficult to "go in". When he would get soft it would double up a little as he pushed in and it was like he was thicker and more painful.

The pressure on both of us was intense. I was trying to stay relaxed and calm, breathing well and finding good positions for me while keeping up the sexual activity to keep him erect. He was trying to be kind and caring and not hurt me but keep his mind on being sexual. Not a good combination for either of us.

The Viagra pills allowed us to take part of the pressure away as he could maintain the erection and allow me the flexibility to work on positions and alternatives. There was an immediate change the first time we tried it. We ended up gaining confidence after just a few encounters as we found things that worked. With him being more erect we were able to do more and try more which built more confidence and fun into our sexual relationship. Now we rarely use the pills but it was a definite good tool that helped us bring Sex Back in our Marriage.


I Have a Headache.

The common joke among women about sex. We live in a society where we are expected to do and be everything. I don't know about you but I am tired at the end of the day and yet don't always feel like I accomplished anything. It is stressful to drive on the freeways and take care of family needs and cook and clean and work a job and still have a to do list the next day. In the midst of all of this I am supposed to find time to be intimate and feel sexual. All I want to do is nothing.

I am learning that the world around me (and the people in it) will take as much of me as they can get. It is up to me what I allow. Everyone has heard the story of the water pitcher and how it pours out into all the glasses around it but cannot continue to pour out if it doesn't get filled up. Filling up is a choice we all have to make. Carving out time in our schedules and saying no to some things is mandatory with all the demands around us.

I want to suggest to you that sex should be viewed not as one of the demands but as one of the things that fills us up. The time my husband and I take to be alone, forget the world, forget the schedules and focus on each other is healing. The pleasure we get from one another is satisfying and relaxing moments we steal are precious. I used to view sex as a demand on my todo list. Something I didn't really want to do but was expected to fulfill as part of my wife duties. Now I view it as something that helps me, fills me up, changes my perspective. I used to hate going away on weekends with my husband. It was so much change, so much work, spending money or whatever. Now I love to plan our getaways knowing I can relax, enjoy my husband, fill up on my needs and not think about work or home stuff.

Consider what you need to say no to and carve out time for yourself and your husband. Remember that you are a better mother, friend, employee, etc when you are getting your needs met. Change your thinking about sex being a todo item and make it a necessity for filling up your intimacy and pleasure needs.


Help - it hurts.

What do you do when sex is painful? I looked everywhere and did everything I could think of and felt alone and stupid and broken.

I read books that said they answered the tough questions and didn't find my answers. I went to the doctor and gynecologist and had exams. Everyone said I was healthy and fine. One doctor one time mentioned I had a little too much yeast and told me to get the Monostat yeast infection treatment which I did. I tried three different doctors with this issue and gave up. I went to therapy and had several good things happen which I will share but the physical challenge of pain during intercourse was not alleviated.

It is hard to describe how horrible it is to live in a society where sex is romantic and easy. In the movies they kiss a little and then are going at it. I would kiss my husband and go cold with the thought of the pain and discomfort coming next. Friends would talk about how they went at it like rabbits when they first met. I would smile and hide my embarrassment that from my honeymoon on I hated sex.

Yet here I am today having pain-free sex that I enjoy and if you are like I was - Don't give up!
My solution happened in three ways; mental, emotional, physical. I started therapy and doing some reading on my own and found out that I had a bad view of sex. I had been the victim of date rape as a teen and had developed very negative views of men and sex. I began to change my thinking to a healthier perspective and began to understand my husbands desires and needs as healthy and normal. I also began to see myself as God's creation meant for sex and intimacy with my husband. This was a mental change that helped prepare me for the emotional.

I began to change the way I saw and communicated with my husband. Instead of him being the enemy that wants the dreaded sex. I changed my attitude and perspective on how safe I was with him, how I loved and wanted to be with him, etc. I tried to share my true feelings instead of hiding myself behind silence or a facade. When he didn't reject me and my feelings I began to trust him and grow in intimacy with him. (we had setbacks on both sides - it wasn't all pretty) I began to relax more, communicate more and be more open to sex but I still had problems with a burning sensation and pain during intercourse.

I was doing research one day and found that I had the symptoms of a person with an overgrowth of yeast. Not just a yeast infection that many women get once in a while but an overall problem with overgrowth. Some people (men and women) get this from an imbalance of bacteria in the body. A common reason is antibiotics which kill the good bacteria or intestinal flora with the bad and create an imbalance. Based on the symptoms, I believe that I have overproduced yeast since I was a child and have had this problem without understanding it. I started taking the good bacteria or intestinal flora not knowing how it would relate to my painful sex symptoms but a few months later I had easy, pain free sex. No burning, no pain - just fun. I found out that the yeast is an irritant and even the lotions we used caused the burning sensations. This was all gone.

The journey was long and many avenues were used to find help but in the end we have a stronger, better marriage and a good sexual relationship. These may not be the same solutions for your issues, but the point is to keep looking, keep trying and lean on us when you need encouragement.


That's just too weird...

I come from a mixed religous background but as a Christian woman I had a strong aversion to anything on the "toy/video" side of sex. I thought it was all about pornography, self-gratification and taking things to limits of ungodliness in sex. And while there is plenty of that I found that there are several ways to get help in your sexual relationship that are not "dirty" or "wrong".

The first thing that my husband and I used that was very helpful was an instructional video. I was so shy and embarrassed at first but I began to hear and see things that helped me make small changes. For example, on the one video it said that often women who have pain during intercourse are not getting enough foreplay stimulation/or need more lotion. Another was that women who have pain during intercourse may find it better to be on top during sex so they can control the depth of penetration.

The video helped in breaking out of the embarrassed mode into a communicating mode. We would watch the video and I could point at it and tell my husband that's what I like or what she's doing there I don't like, etc. It gave us openings to talk about things that might be hard to think of or bring up ourselves.

Now the idea of toys was always negative in my mind. I was never one to use a vibrator because I thought they were bad and only for masturbation. I was wrong. There are items we have used in foreplay and even intercourse that have been immensly helpful in getting me to relax and enjoy the event. For example, when sex was painful I would tighten up at the thought of penetration which made things even more painful. So we started using a small vibrator during foreplay on a slow speed. It helped relax my muscles and allowed me to move to intercourse without tightening up. I am not condoning all sexual toys or games or videos as I believe some are a perversion of what God intended, but I have also come to realize that used appropriately, together, there was great help to be found in this area.


Is it About Sex or Are We Just Not Meant to Be Together?

Sex is a core issue in marriage. It touches every place in you and your husband. While every issue is not about intercourse it will be related to intimacy. If you are already married then you were meant to be married and the next step is to build or re-build intimacy in your relationship. You may have lost something in the business and stress of life or you may never have had it to begin with.

I married my husband without ever knowing true desire. I went through the motions of what I thought a wife should do. This lasts for a time but when facades start to crumble and things don't go according to plan you being to think maybe we made a mistake. Had I acted on this thought I would have missed out on the best relationship of my life. I think the 50% or more of couples who choose to divorce/move on will never experience the completeness and satisfaction in having a spouse you truly love and know intimately. Had we not done the work to save our marraige and relationship we would never have learned to communicate and invest time and energy into each other they way we do now. AND IT IS SO WORTH IT!

If you are contemplating separation or divorce for any reason other than abuse - start looking for help and solutions in new areas. If he/she doesn't want to participate at first do it yourself. Go to the therapist yourself. Read the books yourself. Start changing how you think about him/her now. Start changing how you act toward him/her now. Don't be discouraged because the end result is better than the work and struggle to get there. Be brave and courageous and when it is hard to keep going - talk to us. Share here because we understand and we care about saving your marriage.


Is It All My Fault?

I used to think so. I was the victim of date rape as a young teen and I thought all of our sexual problems were related to me and my lack of intimacy with men - specifically my husband. Many of our intimacy issues were mine but not all. I have learned over the years that all of us have intimacy issues for many reasons. I had to look at my physical, emotional and mental issues to change myself but my husband did work as well. While sex was painful for me and I was dealing with why, my husband was working on understanding intimacy and being in the moment with me.

Your sexual relationship is not a blame game. As a married couple you are one entity. You are together in everything you face. It is not his family, or her job, it is your issue to deal with together. I fell into a pit of guilt and depression about sex and for a long time tried to avoid the subject altogether because I felt so bad that sex was not pleasurable for me. My husband felt bad because he thought I didn't want him. As we started getting help and started to communicate we became a team working on this problem together. This helped me to see that I was not alone and could start trusting my husband with these painful feelings and issues.

Eventually we broke through with several solutions that have led to the best sex we've ever had - for both of us! I didn't just get through it - I liked it! Importantly, he was astounded that it was better than he had ever experienced too. So while sex was never painful for him, working through intimacy issues allowed him a better experience as well. Had we just tried to "fix" me we would not have had the experiences we had. Our working together built trust and a closeness that allowed deeper intimacy and the pleasure that can accompany it.


He Wants Me to be Victoria Secrets Model.

This was an excuse I used in my own head and heard from friends. "Men want the perfect woman who always wants sex". What I have actually learned is that what our husbands want is us but confident, sensual, wanting and needing him. He actually wants you to look at him with respect and adoration if he can't get that he will take the fake alternative on the commercial.

The Victoria Secrets models are young and sexual and men ARE driven by sight. However what the Victoria Secrets image is selling is the sensual, confident woman. They want you to buy their undies because you will turn into a sensual, confident woman if you do. They want men to buy their undies because it will turn their wives into the sensual, confident woman they are looking for. It is a common ad campaign and one that works REALLY well (even though I believe they border on the side of soft porn and shouldn't be aired during children's viewing hours).

Your spouse married you for a reason - he loves you. There are a few men out there with sexual addictions that do need help, but the average married man actually wants his wife. Over the last 15 years I have learned that the sexiest thing I can do for my husband isn't a negligee it is desiring him. When I show him I am interested in sex, that I want to be with him and that I enjoy him he is more turned on than any sexy ad on television. (Check out The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlesinger - great book on the power of women)

While you don't have to be a supermodel you do have to take care of yourself. Find ways to be healthy and confident in yourself. Groom yourself, exercise, eat appropriately. If you cannot accomplish these things - find out why? What is stopping you from taking care of yourself and being the confident, sexy you your husband desires.

If you feel awkward physically: Buy a video or take a class in pole dancing or striptease where you learn to see your body and move confidently. If you struggle emotionally with depression or anxiety: see a doctor or therapist. If you don't know where to start - reach out and share with us here at Sex Back In Marriage.

Lastly, remember that sexy is not always trampy. Take your eyes off of the sex around you, don't compare yourself with others or the tv. Just become the sexy person you were created to be. You don't have to "whore" yourself up to look good for your husband. Sexy is confidence. Sexy is desire. And once in a while for the spice of life - sexy is being there with bells on.


Hopeless, Tired, Giving up...

Do you feel this way. Hopeless, so tired you can't think, just want to give up? This leads to separation and divorce. I understand because I have felt this. I have had the sleepless nights where I held a bottle of pills in my hand and struggled with suicidal thoughts. I have fantasized about what it would be like to be single and not have to deal with this sex issue. I have thought it would be better for my husband to have a fresh start with someone else who didn't have my problems. I have felt such despair I thought I was going to choke or suffocate with the weight of it.

But...somehow I clung to hope. I kept praying.

...the sleepless nights passed
...I focused on my husband and not escape
...I focused on my changes no matter how small - not my failures
...I got help during times I felt helpless (therapy, diet, exercise, church, friends, supplements, medication, etc.)

Please hang on because after 15 years of marriage I can say, "hope lives!" I love my husband more than when I married him. I desire him sexually now more than when I married him. I feel connected and safe with him and love to touch and enjoy him. I am so grateful for God's hand on me during those dark hours. If you are there and don't know how to cling to God like I did - write us - share here and let someone help you find a way. We care and we understand.


Sex Help Videos - Learning Teaching Studying Sex

In life we spend 12 to 20 years in school studying history, math, and science yet how much of the time do we spend learning about sex?

Sex is the one of the top three most important areas in a marriage and yet we are largely uneducated about it. When I told my wife I wanted to try out a few learning videos we both did not know what to expect. We both didn't want porn we wanted to learn better techniques and specifically how to have painless sex.

We wanted to see what others were doing and try new ideas of pleasing one another. I strongly recommend the Better Sex series by Sinclair. All the videos are done by doctors with committed couples and are very informative. Our goal was not arousal but mainly to understand things we were doing and try new ways of enjoying sex. If a partner is shy or unsure about watching the video you can agree to allow them to watch it alone first. This can greatly ease the tension of the unknown. Another benefit of videos is that it opens up communication. Watching someone do something on screen can make it easier to discuss and less scary to try something new. Every couple has to gauge what their comfort level is with videos. We found it to be a great tool in understanding and opening lines of communication between us.


Dwell on the Good.

When you are in a marriage that is sex-less it is easy to look each day at the person that you share your life with and feel all manner of negative thoughts. I went through many years of my marriage wondering why this person I loved would want to hurt me by not giving me what I needed. One day I was driving to work and began to think about all the things my wife would not give me in our marriage, right then a old Bible verse popped into my head, "whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." I understood in that moment for the first time in my life I had a decision to make. A decision that only I could do. I could choose to look at the negative in our marriage, what was missing, needs unmet or I could choose to look on the good things, the amazing things this person gives to me. The verse says in other translations to DWELL on these things. Dwell on the good. No one can do this for you, it's your choice to focus on the good things in your marriage. If you fail to make this choice disappointment turns to anger which turns to bitterness and resentment. Don't wait until tomorrow to start changing your attitude. When a negative thought about your spouse creeps into your head reject it and start telling yourself all the good things this person brings to your life. Decide today to "Dwell" on the good.


Get Counseling? Never!

When is it a good time to get counseling? I remember when even the thought of counseling annoyed me. Going and bearing all to a stranger who was in my opionion probably more messed up then me. In our marriage I wasn't the first to go to counseling my wife was. Week by week I saw changes in her and week by week I saw none in me. I felt more hopeless, more alone, more bitter and especially more curious about what really went on. When panic attacks started in me I figured it was time, it only took being choked up and feeling like I was going to die to get me to go to counseling.

After trying out several counselors and finding fault with most of them I found one I kindof liked. What was so annoying is he would sit back in his chair and close his eyes and say to me, "lets be curious ". It didn't matter what I said to him he would just say to me, "let's be curious about that". "A $100 bucks an hour for this I'll give you something to be curious at," is what I thought to myself. You can see why this would annoy me. I wanted goals, maps, things to do and he wanted just to provide space for me to talk and listen to myself. Listening to myself was the most amazing experience for me and it is the reason I recommend counseling to anyone hurting.
The junk that lies deep inside of you that guides your daily thought and decisions and hides in your heart never gets exposed until you give it space to come out. I guarantee there is a lot of junk in there too!

So how does this all relate to marriage and sex back in marriage? It relates in every way, until you understand the things you do, the needs you have, and why you have those needs you will have a difficult time relating in an intimate way with your spouse. Breaking down the barriers to understanding opens up the pathway to intimacy and begins healing.

Will counseling fix my spouse? No it won't but it will help you cope and understand yourself. It will give you tools to communicate on a deeper level with your spouse.

Will counseling bring sex back to my marriage? This was my hope when I went and I will answer this question like this. There is no more powerful attractant than someone who is working to better themself and is trying to relate to you more. Said another way, I feel so loved when I see my wife trying to understand herself deeper and how she relates to me. She is working on us and that is a turn on. I believe counseling added a huge amount of fuel to the fire in our marriage and directly and indirectly helped us bring sex back into our marriage.

So when is it a good time to go to counseling? Ask yourself this question: Am I struggling each day just to make it? Is my joy gone? Do I lack passion in life? Do I feel rage inside and don't know why? If you answered yes to any of these questions the time is right to go. Uncover what is buried inside, shine light to the darkness that lives in you and get the junk out!

A few pointers when looking for a counselor:
1. Look for someone who shares your beliefs. I am a Christian and my worldview is a positive one, "I am loved by God and His Son Jesus and when I die I will go to live with him forever". I didn't want someone whose world view was, "we are all gods, what we do today we do for ourselves and there is no heaven or hell". I think you can see why, it really doesn't work to submit yourself in an intimate way to someone who lacks your most fundamental beliefs.

2. Don't be afraid to shop around. Trust your heart and listen to that voice inside (I call it God's Spirit). I said no to a few counselors before I found the one I spent almost two years with. This is an important decision it is ok to treat it so.

3. If you think about quiting - before you do take your thoughts to your counseler. I found myself wanting to quit 100 times and a few times I went into my session knowing I was going to. The best thing you can do is to share that with your counselor. There is a reason why you want to quit and usually it revolves around not wanting to get into something you are about to deal with in therapy. There is a time and a place to stop therapy and I do believe as you spend time there it will become apparant to you when that is and you can celebrate that decision when it happens.

4. Don't let excuses make your decision. I can't afford therapy I can barely pay my bills. This was my excuse but there are always reasons why you can't do something. Find the solutions which help you reach your goals. In our case we found an organization that helped us pay for therapy and some insurances also provide paid therapy alternatives.

Lastly I leave you with this thought. You, your marriage, your life you are worth whatever it takes to bring greater joy, peace and happiness in your daily world. If you are unhappy, hurting, depressed, and feeling like every day is the same old thing, I ask you what have you to lose? Your way isn't working its time to change course, get drastic and try something new. Decide today to change your course - You Can Do It.


Something's Broken - In Him or Her?

What are you feelings when you think of your spouse desiring you sexually. Do you feel dirty, guilty, used, even unloved. How does it make you feel when your spouse wants you sexually all the time? Do you feel misunderstood? Do you even think there may be something wrong with your spouse that they desire sex so much?

Let me present something you may not think about. In this world made up of almost 6 billion people with all the choices in your spouses life. All the other attractive people that cross their path each day at work, at school, at church - they desire you. The want you so passionately - they want to be close to you each and every day. They could look another way but they choose you. They choose you!

So what really is the problem here. Is it that your spouse desires you so much there is something wrong with them or is it that your spouse's desire makes you feel uncomfortable. If there is an issue with your spouse wanted too much sex, let them deal with that issue - you start with you. Start with exploring why you feel misunderstood, guilty, undesireable. Why you don't feel responsive when he/she desires you. Why when you are desired so much you feel uncomfortable in that role. Talk to a counseler, talk here on our forum and don't assume something is broken in your spouse, start with yourself first. Also, allow yourself to feel joy that in a world of millions of strangers you are wanted and desired intimately by someone on a daily basis.


Sex Help Books - Instructional Books that may Help You

I am a terrible reader, generally I hate reading. Give me the movie over the book any day. But when it came to sex and relationships I was desperate so I started to read. There is no better book than the New Testament in the Bible to understand love which is the cornerstone of sex. Assuming you have already cracked open the Bible let me share some other books which may be helpful.

As far as relationships there is no better book than The 5 love languages by Gary Chapman. Understanding your spouse and how they feel loved will open intimacy in an amazing way. Sex is intimacy and without intimacy you cannot have a truly connected sexual relationship. Learning how your spouse feels and sees various things in your relationship will give you a greater understanding of how to treat them. This will in turn lead to a better relationship. Some sex books specifically that may be fun and helpful are 101 Nights of Great Sex by Laura Corn which is great for those of you who need ideas of how to be playful in the bedroom or Cosmo’s Steamy Sex Games by Cosmopolitan. My wife also enjoyed Kosher Sex by Shmuley Boteach and The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlesinger and said they were very informative (I did not read these).

For the very basics The Gift of Sex by Penner was also a great resource. Never feel shy or stop yourself from exploring sexuality in your relationship. God gave you a spouse to love, enjoy and to have fun, passionate, playful and wild sex so crack those books and start studying!


Impotence - What It Is and When to Get Help.

Impotence simply put is an erection problem where a man has the inability to get or maintain an erection that is firm enough for a man to have intercourse. You may have trouble getting an erection or during sex you may have trouble maintaining an erection. There are various reasons why this occurs and they may be both physically and psychologically rooted. Many if not most men experience erectile dysfunction at some time or another. Poor health, lack of exercise, stress, anxiety and fatigue are some reasons why some experience ED. I used to group premature ejaculation with erectile dysfunction but the two are separate issues and must be treated separately.
They say the mind is our greatest sex organ and can help or hurt your sexuality. In my case I believe my erectile dysfunction revolved around poor self image when it comes to sex. I had a low sexual self esteem. I saw myself as not a good lover and in our marriage as undesirable. I had a strong sex drive I just felt very negative about myself and my sexuality. This was my emotional hurdle and for a time I did turn to Viagra to give me the ability just to have sex but that did not fix the emotional issues. This is a work in progress through prayer, counseling and a better understanding of myself and my wife. I am feeling more confident about my desireability and sexuality. For more in-depth information about impotence take a look at Web MD’s site.