Is It All My Fault?

I used to think so. I was the victim of date rape as a young teen and I thought all of our sexual problems were related to me and my lack of intimacy with men - specifically my husband. Many of our intimacy issues were mine but not all. I have learned over the years that all of us have intimacy issues for many reasons. I had to look at my physical, emotional and mental issues to change myself but my husband did work as well. While sex was painful for me and I was dealing with why, my husband was working on understanding intimacy and being in the moment with me.

Your sexual relationship is not a blame game. As a married couple you are one entity. You are together in everything you face. It is not his family, or her job, it is your issue to deal with together. I fell into a pit of guilt and depression about sex and for a long time tried to avoid the subject altogether because I felt so bad that sex was not pleasurable for me. My husband felt bad because he thought I didn't want him. As we started getting help and started to communicate we became a team working on this problem together. This helped me to see that I was not alone and could start trusting my husband with these painful feelings and issues.

Eventually we broke through with several solutions that have led to the best sex we've ever had - for both of us! I didn't just get through it - I liked it! Importantly, he was astounded that it was better than he had ever experienced too. So while sex was never painful for him, working through intimacy issues allowed him a better experience as well. Had we just tried to "fix" me we would not have had the experiences we had. Our working together built trust and a closeness that allowed deeper intimacy and the pleasure that can accompany it.